When I was in Kindergarten my principal set up a meeting with my parents to discuss my lack of social skills and how they have the concern of holding me a grade back to improve this. My parents were quite offended by this and deemed it as an insult towards their daughter, and instead of getting me help, they decided to transfer me to a different school. 

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For most of my life, I have struggled in simple social situations, such as asking a question to a grocery store worker or server and participating in Socratic Seminars during high school. It was obvious to my family that I was different from other kids, such as being the opposite of my brother who is extremely outgoing. Whenever they introduced me to a friend of theirs they would push my hair out of my face and force me to greet the adult in front of me, however, I would just look down and not move until the situation was over. Following this, my parents and aunt just began to tell people "oh she is just shy!" which of course is normal for a child to act this way. It wasn't until high school when I realized that my family still introduced me like this to others because my mannerisms of looking at the ground or nodding my head were consistent. It is hard to explain this anxiety to others besides that I just cannot do it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to, I just cannot. The humiliation is unbearable, so overwhelming that I began to engage in self-harm.

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I am always confused as to why I cannot do such simple tasks, my family and friends becoming angry when I could not engage in some social situations without help. This anger towards myself and the sadness that filled me when my family and friends were mad at me became so overwhelming that I felt that I needed to punish myself, my coping method is through cutting.

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I have been self-harming for three years now, I am confident in saying that it has improved, though it has not completely left my life. When a situation becomes too overwhelming and my depression feels like it is taking over my life I feel compelled to grab the sharpest object near me and cut my wrists. The depressive episodes are the worst periods because I feel as if they are inescapable and nothing will ever cure me, that I will be like this forever. 

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Trigger Warning: sensitive content, details of self-harm

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Just last week I had to find parking at a crowded beach, I felt my hands begin to shake and my heart beat faster as my friends became annoyed at my lack of ability to parallel park. I finally could not handle the situation anymore and I yelled at them to just leave the car so I can find the parking on my own. I wanted the day to be fun and enjoyable but my anxiety clouded my mind and I was distraught at the fact that my anger ruined the beach day we had planned. When I finally parked, tears were flooding from my eyes and my hands shaking as I search every compartment and inch of my car for something sharp to cut my wrists. Eventually, I ended up settling for using my keys and I felt an instant wave of relief after.

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While depression and anxiety are definitely a huge part of my life, I am working very hard to make the effort to make it not the main aspect of my life, hoping to one day completely diminish it.